When It's Hot

Karis goofs around


Jack tries to hold water droplets



Karis is bribed with a cookie to play in the water so I can get some fun shots of her



I was obviously unsuccessful at procuring more than a quick smile before she hung out on the swing again



Jack got to star in a solo photo shoot because his mama was loving the water drops



If I had a camera with me in Tennessee last weekend, I would have had pictures of Jack jumping off the diving board to Danny. I didn't so use your imagination. You would not get the shot of Jack tripping on his attempt to jump again, falling into the pool while his Poppy and Daddy did not catch him. They said he wasn't under long enough to take more than one breath. Thanks, Poppy, for the rescue. I was told he didn't mind too bad, but was not ready to jump again afterwards. There are two reasons no photo would exist if I would have remembered my camera: 1) Mom and I ran some errands and missed the action. 2) If I would have been there I would have had a heart attack.

Karis finally got brave enough to jump off the side in the shallow end, where she can touch. But only if she doesn't think about it too long and let fear sneak up on her.

My children are a study in opposites.

Much like their mommy and daddy.

Rain Rain, Go Away

Several weeks ago a rainy day ruined plans the kids and I for a picnic. I had to think quickly because their rainy day blues were about to drive me crazy! After some quick thinking, I decided a camp out lunch was in order.








Lunch was a success, memories were made and both took a nap with no fussing. Rainy day salvaged!

Happy Birthday, Jack!

Today, my baby turns 2.

I honestly cannot believe how quickly two years have gone by. I am incredibly thankful that God, in His great mercy and wisdom, saw fit to surprise our family with the blessing that is Jack. He brings joy and laughter to our household daily. For your viewing pleasure, but mostly for my poor memory - a list of things I'm particularly loving about my son:

• Jack is full of life and full of joy. He has a smile on his face the majority of the day.
• I love that if he thinks it's too quiet at the dinner table, he'll find a remedy. This usually involves something he knows will get a guaranteed laugh from the rest of the family. 
• He loves to aggravate his sister. It amazes me that he's already figured out what will get a reaction from her.
• There is nobody on earth he'd rather play with than Karis, or Sissy, as Jack calls her.  He follows her around like a puppy most of the day. Their squeals as they run around playing fill my heart with joy. Except when the screaming turns to whining. 
• I love how he jumps around and does a happy dance when he gets excited about what he's going to eat. With the exception of oatmeal, this is mostly brought on by sweets.
• He loves his daddy. He walks around most days saying "Daddy night-night?" or "Daddy work?" He knows the answer to both of those questions most of the time, but he likes to ask anyway. When Danny wakes up, Jack wants to be right there with him. He loves to sit in his daddy's lap and read books.
• Jack loves books. He's slowly enjoying more of his toys, but he still really likes to get somebody to read to him.
• Unlike his sister, he's pretty fearless. He jumps, climbs and maneuvers his way all over the place. I've resigned myself to the fact that he will probably have a broken bone or stitches before his fifth birthday. 
• If he's in a bad mood I can say, "Love you, buddy." He gets a scowl on his face and says, "No love you, buddy." It makes me laugh every time. This can also be done with kisses or hugs. 
• He'll get a twinkle in his eyes and make a kissing noise until I make it back. Then he leans his head forward and waits for me to kiss him. If I start to walk away before he's ready he'll say, "Mo shoogahs, mommy." This renders me powerless to refuse his request for more sugars. 
• He loves to play outside. He stands at the window or door and begs to go outside. He shares this love with his sister and it makes me incredibly happy.
• Every time we pull up to church he says "Friends, friends." I asked him in the car on the way home from VBS Monday afternoon if he had a good time. He said, "Play friends. Dack play friends. (Those J sounds are a bit tricky). More play friends?"

I could also talk about how he's strong willed and stubborn like his sister, but this list if things I'm loving about my boy. 

Happy Birthday, Jack. We love you and are excited to see you grow and learn more this year.

AWANA Awards Night

Wow! I am so behind in posting. A few weeks ago Karis had an awards night at church for AWANA. She has learned an amazing amount of Bible verses over the last 2 years.

After Danny took this picture he said, "I got the shot." It is virtually impossible to pull the camera out without getting at least one picture like this.


Karis was not paying attention in the group shot. Big surprise, right?

What Not to Say

In the wake of my miscarriage I have had some interesting conversations. I think human nature wants to find a way to comfort those who mourn or fix the problems of others. Again, in no particular order, here's a list of things that you probably shouldn't say to someone who is grieving. 

If you happen to find yourself quoted here (and I don't think anyone I'm quoting reads my blog), please don't be offended. I honestly know you were trying to make me feel better. It's just that I want to help you be better prepared to comfort those who mourn.

• At least you weren't any further along than you were. It would be so much worse if you were. I believe that the loss of life is painful if it occurs at 6 weeks gestational age or if it occurs at 6 years of age. 
• At least you haven't been struggling with infertility for years and this wasn't your only chance to be pregnant. Although I have not struggled with infertility, that does not make my loss any less painful.
• Closely followed by, at least you already have 2 healthy children. I am so thankful for Karis and Jack, but I doubt that if my baby had lived even a few hours and then died that anyone would say that.
• At least you weren't trying and this was a surprise pregnancy. Honestly, I'm not sure how that's comforting at all. Being surprised does not make the loss hurt any less.
• There are a few more at least statements, but I hope you get the idea. 

What I think I've decided is that at least statements are not comforting to those who mourn. They really don't diminish the pain of the life lost. Having said that, I appreciate that people care about me enough to try and comfort me. But my greatest comfort comes from knowing I'm being covered in prayer. A sincere "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you" are really all you need to say. 

God's strong right hand upholds me. He is the best Comforter I know.

An Exercise in Obedience

I've been thinking about this post for several days. Because I'm feeling blue today, I think it's an excellent time to practice obedience.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I love the absolute commands in these verses. There are no exceptions made. Just the command to always be joyful, never stop praying and to be thankful in all circumstances. It's so easy to think, "God, I would be joyful if only life had turned out differently. God, I can't pray when this is going on in my life. God, how can I be thankful that things turned out this way?" 

Today I am fighting the desire to throw myself a pity party and think that I deserve some things. I know I deserve nothing, but man! is my heart trying to deceive me. So let's speak some truths to my heart. Again.

God is good. ALWAYS. God cannot be God and not be good. 

The only thing I deserve is death, but because of God's grace I have received the gift of eternal life. While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me.

I'm not sure about you, but music soothes my soul. I've found myself singing this frequently over the last week.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' Name

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil

O.k. So I haven't been singing the last 2 verses because I don't know them by heart, but they're too good to leave out.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my Hope and Stay

When He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne

Chorus:
Oh Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

Now for the practice of obedience: a list, in no particular order, of things I'm thankful for.

Danny, Karis and Jack - they can almost always make me smile. I think my children are funny -when they're not being little terrors. My family and the ways that they love me all the time, but especially over the last week. Friends who love me and go out of their way to encourage me and to be the hands and feet of Jesus to me. 2 church families that love and support my family. Long weekends at home, feeling relaxed wherever we go. Rainbows in the sky on the drive back to Kentucky. Friendships that can be picked up where they were left off. Finally, that because of his great love I belong to Christ Jesus and that makes it possible to be joyful and thankful in all circumstances. 

I have one more What Not to Wear style post left in me about loss, and then I'll be returning to pictures of my children and family life. If you've read this far, wow! You should get some award. My heart already feels better as I've reminded myself about who I am and Who God Is. 

Some of the hardest words to write

Much to my shock, I found out I was pregnant again on Good Friday. My body has been so messed up that Danny was equally surprised. I called the doctor on Monday and was given a Friday appointment. Because of how messed up things were, there was the possibility that I was already 12 weeks pregnant. I was pretty sure that wasn't the case, but there was really no way of knowing without an ultrasound.

Everything at the visit went well until it was time for an ultrasound. It barely showed anything but a sac and a hematoma beside it. I was then sent to the hospital to have blood work done to check my hormone levels. At this point the doctor said that I was either really early or that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Sunday morning I returned to the hospital and had more blood drawn. One of the doctors called me on Monday and said that my levels were doubling, but she'd like me to come in for another ultrasound. This time the ultrasound showed more of what it was supposed to. The lady informed me that I had a tentative due date of December 24. 

I made another appointment for 4 weeks to see the doctor and have another ultrasound so we could see a heartbeat and get a more definitive due date. I'm not normally prone to as much secrecy in pregnancy as I was this time. I told a handful of people and that was it. I didn't even want Karis to know until I saw a heartbeat. Hiding it was becoming more and more of a challenge because I started showing almost immediately. Life continued as normal until Friday.

My friend, Kedra, graciously offered to take Karis and Jack to our friend Rachel's house for lunch. I was hoping to be there in time for dessert. I arrived at my ultrasound appointment several minutes early and was able to go right in without waiting. The ultrasound did not even last 2 minutes before she left to go get the doctor. I knew immediately something was wrong. I even sat up and leaned over so I could see the screen that was turned away from me. I could see my baby, but guessed that there was no heartbeat. When the doctor came in she confirmed what the tech saw and told me that the baby had grown to about 8 weeks, but that the heart had stopped about 1-1 1/2 weeks ago. I would have been 9 weeks last Thursday. They thought that the hematoma they saw in the first ultrasound was preventing me from miscarrying on my own. 

I had the option of waiting it out or scheduling a D&C. She told me that because of how far along I was that it would probably feel like real labor and be very messy and painful. She was also worried that it could happen when Danny was at work and I would be alone with the kids. The doctor told me many women tried to miscarry naturally when they were this far along, but then would get stuck and have to have a D&C anyhow. Because we are leaving to go to Tennessee on Thursday and all the other reasons the doctor listed, I opted to have a scheduled D&C. 

Once the doctor left the room, the realization of what happened hit me and I couldn't stop crying. I was walked to the surgery scheduling room and was scheduled for Monday afternoon at 2. I came home and cried for several hours. Sweet Kedra brought my kids home for me and thankfully, I was done crying by the time they got here. We all napped for several hours and then Danny treated me to Red Lobster before we headed to Bass Pro Shops. 

I did some basic grocery shopping on Saturday and then we went to eat at Evan and Leah's house. I was so thankful to be out of the house and have something else to think about. Sunday morning Karis' choir sang in both services. We went home when she was finished singing in the 2nd service and slept and cleaned up some before my mom arrived. I had committed to something at church that I honestly did not want to do Sunday night, but God knew what He was doing. Again, it was so nice to have something else to focus my attention on. 

On Monday morning, mom and I took Karis to get her 5 year shots. Right before we left the hospital called and asked if I could come in early because they were running ahead. We barely had time to gather things together once we got Karis home before it was time to leave. I kept expecting more tears or emotions once we got there, but I was pretty calm. I brought my memory cards to look through while I was waiting. The last one I read before I was wheeled back said, "let us hold unswervingly to the hope we possess, for He who promises is faithful."

I have a history of getting sick with anesthesia, and never in my life have I been given as many anti-nausea meds as I was given yesterday. It was wonderful. The first time I've ever woken up without being sick. Yesterday I alternated between being sleepy and hungry. I was in a little pain, but more awake than I expected to be.

 My mom left this morning and told Karis she was going to have to help me out today. Today I was in more pain that yesterday and definitely a lot sleepier. Karis woke me up and told me that she made lunch for her and Jack, and then she woke me up again when they were finished and it was time for them to take naps. She picked up all the toys and sang to Jack while I fell back asleep. Danny woke me up 20 minutes before it was time for him to leave so I would be awake while they were awake. She has continued to be helpful tonight. For all of her strong-willed, stubborn behavior, she has an incredibly compassionate side that was out in full force today. 

On Friday afternoon, all I could think about was that no matter how crummy my life situation, God IS still good. His goodness does not depend on life's circumstances. I have been immensely sad, but holding on unswervingly to my hope. I'm thankful that because of Jesus, I have hope to hold onto. I have also discovered that I'm uncomfortable with pity.  On Sunday I received a lot of hugs and lots of "I'm sorry." Please don't feel bad if you gave me a hug and told me you were sorry on Sunday. I'm so thankful for friends who care about me and love me. Please consider this your official invitation to hug if you must, but follow it with "I'm praying for you" instead of "I'm sorry." 

I believe that for now I'm doing as well as I am and recovery has gone as well as it has because I've been covered in prayer. I've been told to expect my hormones to go a little crazy and that the next 2 weeks will be really difficult. Please continue to pray for me during this time. I don't want Karis or Jack to be affected by any of this, especially my raging hormones. They're not raging at the moment, but I'm preparing myself for the possibility. 

My desire is to glorify God in every part of my life... even the parts I don't like. Psalm 63 is my favorite Psalm. Verse 3 says, "because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you." I have found comfort and peace in many of these verses and also knowing that before I was ever born, God knew that Friday and consequently Monday would happen. Friends, I serve a big, kind, caring, compassionate, just, holy, unchanging, GOOD God and the plans He has for my life are far better than anything I could come up with on my own. I'm trusting Him to walk me out of the valleys and onto the mountaintops and back again if He sees fit. 

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which persists even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:-7